Sometimes dance saves my aliveness.
Including today, I have worked eight-hour shifts the last three days – eight hours of standing in front of a cash register. By the time I left the store today (2/13), my body was frozen and my feet were burning.
(Tae Kwon Do last night helped a lot to loosen me up, but the frozenness set back in today.) I was badly in need of my regular Friday night dance, but I was in the kind of depressed state where it tends not to work for me. I am too frozen to move, too self-critical to engage people, too judgmental to improvise.
The dance I do is free-form improvisational dancing inspired by the 5 Rhythms dance work created by Gabrielle Roth. On a good (high) day I have a total blast on the dance floor: I am free, energized, spontaneous – and especially groove on jamming with other people. We may dance all around each other, in and out of each other’s space, maybe (or maybe not) sometimes touching each other – or we may do “contact improv”, improvisational dance with more extensive touch. On a good day, I’m really good at this kind of engaged dance – I know how to connect with people in my life and I know how to connect with people on the dance floor.
When I’m down, I’m so terrible at moving and connecting that frequently it seems like the only viable option is to leave the dance. And I do, often. Or sometimes I just don’t go to the dance at all: when I’m in the kind of depressed state where I typically leave, it seems more kind to myself to save myself that kind of painful failure experience. I’ve been telling myself that Tae Kwon Do can help me develop more discipline to go and stay regardless of how I feel. So after work today (6:20), I decided to go to the 7 o’clock dance, then decided not to go, then got really sad at letting it go and decided again to go. “Even though I’m in the kind of mood where dance doesn’t work for me, I want to go and try.”
I implemented a strategy that has evolved for me over the last many months, but I have never used so aggressively. Before the dance, I caught several of my best dance friends and said one version or another of, “I’m in one of those moods which you know in me – moods where my body won’t move and I feel disconnected from everybody. I’m at risk of leaving. The thing that most keeps me here in this state is connecting with my people on the dance floor. I may come by you and reach out to dance with you and if it works for you right then that would be great.” (There is a very strong priority in this group to honor people’s space when they do not want to dance with you – and to learn to not take this personal.) “And I may totally stall out and not be able to reach out to you. If you see me in that state, it would be awesome if you were to reach out to me.”
And it worked, enough. I initiated to my friends and that worked some of the time. I had a couple of segments where I was on the ropes, feeling like I probably had to leave – and someone came by and danced with me.
I didn’t get high – and I miss that. But I more and more believe that I’m better off not getting high. I had a good time – interspersed with not good times. Connection connected to separation. Happy and not. Human.
I’m glad I went. I’m hoping that Tae Kwon Do increases my strength around going to and staying at dance. I hope I will remember to ask for help when I need it. I hope I will remember this evening when I asked for help and got it.