The last post described my Friday dance a week ago. Here I’m describing last night.
Last night I went to dance even though I was tired and had been depressed for over a week. I had had a better day and thought I might not be depressed any more, so wanted to give it a try.
And, in fact, I wasn’t depressed. But I wasn’t having fun. I was not depressed, but also not high. I miss being high – I feel so great. But I think this in between state is way better. I’ll write about it in my next post.
I wasn’t having fun – was barely dancing. I thought about leaving – at one point kind of resigned myself that I would probably leave. But I knew that I wasn’t depressed – and that’s when I leave. I wasn’t having fun because I was in my head, thinking – thinking about myself, thinking about my day, thinking about dancing – and that was a not fun place to be.
I realized that this was a great chance to practice getting out of my head and into my body. “For four out of the last five days I have been locked behind a cash register. Look how much room I have to move here. My feet hurt, but it’s still fun to move all round, fill the space. And there are these great playmates encouraging me to move free by the creative ways they are moving.”
I clapped my hands all over my body, to remind myself that it was there. It’s mostly a non-verbal practice, this dance, but two times i went up to good buddies and said, “I have a body” – and bumped up against them to emphasize it.
There was a new woman there who was very attractive. I danced into her zone (she mostly stayed in the same place) and found how it energized me – how it got me out of my head and into my body. I was shy with this new person and didn’t initiate to dance with her – and actually think it’s usually better to give a new person lots of room to move before trying to dance with them – but I still found it stimulating to have her in the room and to dance near her. At one point she danced around me and even bumped into me. I looked for eye contact that might indicate she was doing this intentionally. I didn’t see any, so didn’t follow up, but it still lit me up.
Tom and I have a multifaceted relationship: we were roommates for two years, we work together at the grocery store, we do Interplay (improvisational movement, storytelling and song) together – and we dance together (at the same dances). And we usually do dance together – like really together – more than once over the course of a dance. He likes engaged dancing probably even more than me and he frequently initiates towards me – and I like that.
He also takes a stance for the value of me staying on the dance floor when i feel like i have to leave – and likes to do what he can to keep me there. We typically dance rough and energetic – it really gets me into the room, into my body. This helped a lot last night.
Solon came in late and wrapped me up in a big bear hug. He frequently says he loves me when he sees me. He didn’t say it tonight, but I felt it. I felt better about myself from his presence in the room.
I succeeded only some of the time at getting into my body – I was in and out of my head. But getting out of my head is big work for me – it’s going to be my work for a long time, maybe forever. And I was neither manic nor depressed and that’s good stuff for me.