“Nobody wants me.”

I had had a great day.  Work was super: I was in a good mood; many, many nice things happened; I was in a zone.  It was clear that I am good at what I do and, especially when I was talking up the blog, it was clear that I’m in the right place at the right time.  One fabulous young woman who I did not recognize in spite of her beauty said “I read your blog and I just want to tell you that you have a brilliant mind.”  Now how can you not feel good on a day that you get feedback like that?  And I was feeling good.

Today I really was in the zone - and time flew.  Then there was this evening.

Today I really was in the zone – and time flew. Then there was this evening.

From work I went to Tae Kwon Do.  Now I know that people like me there.  I’m new and lots of people don’t know me.  But I get lots of sweet feedback from people.  Recently the instructor Amy said to me,”You’re the sunshine of this school.” Now I can’t totally swallow that.  It feels a little strong and she can be effusive, but maybe something like that is true – maybe I am a positive presence in the school, that one I can buy.  That same day last Saturday, Diego (a senior student) said to me “When I was sitting up on the judges’ table for the testing, sometimes all I could see was your smiling face, cheering people on.”  Now that one I can totally buy, because that was the truth.  I got very happy watching people succeed.

So how could it be that at class tonight I was recurringly buffeted by wave after wave of “Nobody wants me?”  There were lots of opportunities for us to pair up. I ended up being the last picked two or three times.  I know I was not being super-assertive about finding partners.  And I know that people like to work with higher belt ranks during these drills.  The teenagers go looking for other teenagers.  For one whole section, I was the only one of my low (white-yellow) belt level on the mat and I really had nothing to offer these higher belt levels in the way of instruction.  Why would they not be looking for somebody else?  And why on earth would I want to take it personal?

The anchors of this go deep.  It’s in the human condition.  The Buddhists call it “conditioned mind” – that wants to put us down, wants to separate us, wants to make us feel alone.  It’s human.  So even this is a sign of how much I belong – belong to the human species.

Do even animals go through this?

Do even animals go through this?

Tae Kwon Do is going to be a tremendous vehicle for studying my conditioning – conditioning like “I can’t do this” (https://rlcol.com/2015/02/24/the-i-cant-do-it-voice/) and now the conditioning of “I don’t belong here” or “They don’t want me”.  I want to welcome this as a chance to work out my stuff, a chance to get free.

Amy Dexter is always announcing that the purpose of our classes is to have fun.  I’ll have fun as much as possible – but when I’m miserable I’ll try to be miserable in all the just-right ways.

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4 thoughts on ““Nobody wants me.”

  1. What a great attitude (you always seem to have)! And I do enjoy your upbeat twist on the retail blog, so refreshing after my sea of customer and management complaints that fill my reader feed. 🙂 Thank you!

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  2. It’s the inner critic that always raises its ugly head. You’re right, the teens and others had reasons for their choices. It wasn’t about you. It was about who else sparked their aspirations, boosted their egos..whatever, but it wasn’t that they did NOT want you..you’re lovable, we know that, you know that. Believe it.

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  3. Thanks, Majo. I have decided to take most of today “off”–I’ve been house-painting (for pay) on top of massage for the past couple of weeks, and my hands just can’t do any more of either without some rest. I relate to both “Nobody wants me” and especially to the “I can’t do it” link. So today I intend to clean up the piles on my kitchen table (picture not attached!) and am re-motivated to do at least some Tai Chi at home every day; I haven’t been getting to class much lately because of all the work. For what it’s worth, I DO want you to keep up the blog–it’s a rich part of any day it appears–and I’m sorry I’m too far away to see you more in person.

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  4. Chaz – this is a great note, thanks for it. Your affirmation went right into my “rainy day” file of blog affirmations. I miss you too. The Untensive was quite wonderful. Several of us are going to the Beach Untensive at the end of June – don’t know if that’s feasible for you. I could convince myself that I can’t afford the money, but I think I’m meant to be there.

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