Today I will be asking my psychiatrist for her support and guidance as I gradually wean myself off of psych meds. This process will probably take several months. Here are some of the words I hope to remember to say to her today. Maybe I will just start the session by reading this. It takes 3 minutes – my insurance is paying for the 30 minutes. It’s my life at stake.
My dear friend Amanda – deeply grounded social worker and psychotherapist of many years – likes to say to me, “You have taken these meds for 30 years. You feel totally sure that, aside from 6 months on your first med ever, Zoloft, none of them has ever helped you. But you keep taking them – why? You know there are risks from taking such powerful medications for so long. Why don’t you just get off them all and find out who you really are?”
That last sentence came not from Amanda, but from me. Why do I continue to take these meds that I feel sure are not helping me? Guilt and shame. I feel that anybody who experiences such powerful and painful ups and downs “should” take meds – it’s just assumed in this technological society, right? And, when people – hearing for the first time that I have bipolar disorder – ask me, so often almost the first words out of their mouths, if I take meds, I want to be able to say, “Yes.” To say “No” would risk their disapproval, their judgment that I am irresponsible. Most of them assume innocently that meds make these things better – not realizing that for a lot of us, not just me, they really don’t.
I have recently taken some very big steps towards my own integrity. Since I returned to the job I loved, but gave up in order to keep my current subsidized apartment – a move that so many of my loving friends strongly pushed a year ago – and am making plans to leave this apartment, which i have never liked, the life force is flowing back into me. That life, which had drip-drip-dripped out of me for the last year, leaving me finally so depleted that twice in three months I drifted precariously close to ending my own life.
Now that I am reclaiming my integrity my listening to my own inner guidance, my inner landscape is no longer one of darkness. Even during the difficult biochemical turndown that hit me in the last week, I am stronger and more optimistic than I have been in years. The choices I have recently made towards my integrity have released a new level of confidence, integrity and assertiveness that have me handling all manner of little decisions and interactions in ways that support my aliveness.
The next step towards my aliveness, my integrity – quite obvious to me – is to stop taking the pills that I resent, that I have never trusted, that I think do me no good, and that have so many subtle and obvious side-effects. I want to get off them and see who I really am. Any risks in doing so are, to me right now, totally acceptable.