Suffering

I’m suffering. The core symptom of depression for me is physical contraction, painful tightness throughout my whole body as if every cell is in a vice.  Mood change sometimes follows this lead symptom – maybe 2-4 days later, sometimes not at all.  But is the discouragement a side-effect of experiencing so much pain?

This is my third week of depression/contraction, with the pain building steadily each day.  Not as much pain as some people experience – and with many of them (I think of a friend my age at church who has very painful back problems) it is genuinely chronic, there is no respite – whereas I know that inevitably (hopefully soon) I will get a few days or a couple of weeks respite.  The surest sign that my energy has turned up (“manic”) is that the contracted pain is reliably, totally, instantly gone – poof!  Sometimes long before I get speedy – if I do at all.

Psychiatrists and psychotherapists typically don’t know what I’m talking about when I relate this – they have never heard of it or read about it in their journals.  I went through a long period where I no longer talked about it because I had grown discouraged about mental health professionals understanding me.  I have encountered some other folks with bipolar disorder who recognized this phenomenon and said that they too experienced it – but maybe never before put it in words because they never heard anyone else put it into words.

Today, as I walked the Mountain-to-Sea Trail behind Monika’s house with little Pancho, my body was so tight that I had trouble walking.

But I’m not sad or discouraged.  I am as happy and encouraged about the direction of my life as I have been for the last several weeks:

  • I am really happy to have my job back at Earth Fare.  I don’t enjoy every minute – or even necessarily most of the minutes.  But I enjoy a lot of them – and that’s enough.  In some of those minutes I feel like I am living out my mission to make grocery shopping creative and fun, to validate the customers who come through my line, and to influence the younger cashiers in these directions.
  • I am thrilled to be liberating myself from Battery Park Apartments.  A very bright and resourceful friend told me the other day that, after a year there, it really is working for her – and for some people it really does.  But it was not working for me.  I had to move through some powerful inner resistance to get clear on just how bad it was for me – largely by being high-rise apartments and downtown – but I did finally get clear and within three weeks of that final clarity, by virtue of Monika’s generous offer for house-sitting, have extricated myself from it.  I’m on the ground, one doorway away from the outdoors, surrounded by trees. With a little luck, I will move into my long-term digs straight from here and never again sleep on the fifth floor – so far removed from the ground (which for this airy, ungrounded guy is a big deal).
  • I am very excited to be moving in with Tom Kilby, my all-time favorite roommate, and his wonderful son Ian.  Tom KAfter negotiating some details over a number of days, we just finally got to a solid “yes” yesterday, and today the three of us gathered at the house in Candler to continue our dialogue about what it means to live together.  So much open conversation right up front bodes well.
  • Robert had told me he didn’t know if his Wi-Fi would reach the patio out back, but just a couple hours ago – having purchased a l-o-n-g extension cord – I discovered that it does!  This means that – after a year of being imprisoned in an apartment with windows that open 3 inches – for the next two months I can spend most of my laptop time outside.

So I’m in a lot of physical pain that makes it hard to get up in the morning and hard to resist the call of the bed (let me get unconscious/escape the pain!) early in the evening (like now, 6:08 – thinking I may go to bed when I finish this, or maybe now, without finishing it).

And happy!

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