I have played around with lots of theories about why I have not been writing on my blog, but they all really boil down to one factor: I haven’t wanted it enough. Sure, it’s true that I’ve been depressed, but there have been other times that I have been depressed and still kept writing. It’s true that I’m tired at the end of the day, but that doesn’t explain it – if I wanted it enough I would power through the tiredness. It’s true that when I’m manic I get all kind of scrambled: I generate too many ideas and can’t pull them all together into an intelligible post.
I’ve got to want writing more. I’ve got to see it as super-important. I’ve got to get how central it is to my identity, my life purpose. I’ve got to really make the connection between not writing and depression. When I don’t write, I’m more depressed. It’s very circular: I don’t write because I’m depressed and then I’m more depressed. I’ve got to break the cycle.
It’s very parallel to what goes on for me with Tae Kwon Do. I use some of those same arguments for why I don’t go to Tae Kwon Do, but then I get more depressed. And Tae Kwon Do itself can be developing the qualities I need to push past my limitations and write. When I had been practicing for just a couple of weeks, I had a little internal crisis about this practice. “Why am I practicing such a hard, yang art? I need to be doing something soft and flowing like Tai Chi.” But the answer came back loud and clear. “There’s some shit in your life that needs kicking – so learn how to kick some shit.” Depression rolls over me – completely takes me over. I’ve got to learn better skills for fighting back. And these skills for fighting back can help me harness my wanting to write, can help me to push past the resistance – the depression, the tiredness, the manic scrambledness. So Tae Kwon Do can very directly lead not just to the regular benefits of Tae Kwon Do, which are many, but can lead very directly to more writing – I need to remember that.
The rub comes when I get home at the end of my day with stuff to write. I’m tired. I may be depressed – or maybe I’m manic and scattered. I can do some Tae Kwon Do to ground and energize myself. So many things do one or the other – this can do both. I don’t have to do much to get out of my head and into my body. Today I resolved to learn my new form one movement at a time. Five minutes. Less.
At this moment, I’m very clear how much I want it. At this moment, I’m tired from work and from a long day: up very early, then work until 7:30. I may be manic – after about 11 days clearly depressed, today I seem more manic than depressed. But so far I sure am not very manic. My ideas seem to be coming out pretty clear. Well, you be the judge.